Fic: Breathe Free

[bk_forever]

Title: Breathe Free

Author: badly_knitted

Characters: Jack, Ianto

Rating: PG-13

Word Count: 834

Spoilers: Exit Wounds.

Summary: Jack is suffering after-effects from being buried alive.

Content Notes: Warnings for talk of claustrophobia and being buried alive.

Written For: Challenge #137: Air at fan_flashworks.

Disclaimer: I don’t own Torchwood, or the characters.

Jack had spent close to two thousand years buried beneath Cardiff, from a time before the Welsh capital had even been envisioned right up until he’d finally been exhumed by Torchwood agents a few years into the twentieth century. Even though most of his interment had been spent either dead or so deeply unconscious that he might as well have been, he still remembered how it had felt, coming back to life intermittently only to choke on the dirt that filled his mouth and nose until the absence of air snuffed out the last small spark of life once more. Every death had been a blessed relief from the terror and suffering of his situation.

The experience had changed him more than he cared to admit. He’d lived longer than any other human, been subjected to every kind of abuse and torture imaginable, and while there were many things he feared to varying degrees, enclosed spaces had never troubled him in the slightest. But that had changed too; now they seemed more cramped than they really were, constricting and airless, the walls forever threatening to press in, to crush and smother him. Claustrophobia; it had been such a foreign concept, unimaginable to someone who had flown any number of small craft through the vacuum of space, where what little air there was had to be constantly recycled and re-used, and there was no room to swing a cat. Yet he’d come to know the feelings it engendered all too well.

He couldn’t even sleep in his cosy little bunker anymore. That small room beneath his office had been his refuge for years, the place he retreated to when he wanted to be alone but didn’t feel like going out. Since Gray had buried him alive, the thought of spending more than a few brief moments in its dimly lit confines filled him with overwhelming dread. It was all he could do to just descend the ladder, grab a change of clothes, and bolt back up to the wide open, airy Hub, where he sucked in deep breaths to fill lungs that had become convinced they were being starved of oxygen. Some days he couldn’t even manage that much, breaking out in a cold sweat and recoiling from the gaping maw of the manhole as if it were a serpent intent on swallowing him whole.

Ianto always understood and would fetch whatever he needed without comment or the slightest trace of pity. Jack was grateful for that, among many other small considerations; he didn’t know what he would have done without the Welshman’s quiet strength to lean on. Still, it made him ashamed to be so fearful, wondering how he could expect the remaining members of his team to follow his orders, especially when it came to doing things he was too afraid to do himself.

Nowadays, he spent most nights at Ianto’s flat, which although not spacious, at least didn’t make him feel as if he was suffocating. There were big windows in every room that let in light, and air whenever he felt the need. He took to leaving the bathroom door and window ajar when showering so that the build-up of humidity wouldn’t make him feel breathless, while the curtains remained open day and night, letting the lights of the city chase away the shadows lurking in the dark corners of their bedroom.

Even so, there were nights when he would wake suddenly with an intense need to feel the wind in his face and threading like insubstantial fingers through his hair. Whenever that happened, he’d slip silently from the bed, leaving Ianto peacefully sleeping, dress quickly and make his way up to the roof. Ianto had given him a key to the access door at the top of the stairwell the day he’d moved in. The rooftop it let him out onto wasn’t the highest in Cardiff, and on some nights he’d still venture out to one of the taller buildings where he could stand far above the city, gazing out over the myriad lights that sparkled like fallen stars. Most of the time though, it was enough just to be outside where there were no walls to enclose him. He’d lean on the safety barrier surrounding the flat roof and let the cool night air and the breeze from the sea calm his racing heart and loosen the tightness in his chest, hoping that one day he would find a way past the fear, be able to finally put the nightmare experience and its after-effects firmly in the past where it belonged.

Until then, all he could do was use whatever means were available to him in order to cope, seeking out the space he sometimes needed to enable him to breathe freely. More than anything, he vowed never to forget to be grateful for the understanding and steadfast support of his Ianto, the man who made even the worst days bearable, because without him, Jack knew he’d be lost.

The End

Comments

[spikesgirl58.livejournal.com]

Poor Jack. That scene really bothered me a lot. I have mild claustrophobia and I really feel for him. What a horrible fate to have to go through that again and again.

Great story.

[bk_forever]

I'm quite seriously claustrophobic (as well as agoraphobic - I'm an equal opportunities phobic, small spaces are worse these days but crowds of people give me trouble too.)

What annoyed me was the way the consequences of everything the characters went though just got glossed over or ignored. All these terrible, traumatic ordeals and you never see any real after-effects. Still, I suppose that's what we have fanfic for.

Thank you.

[spikesgirl58.livejournal.com]

I'm not keen on crowds either, although I handle them better than I used to. Tight spaces, though, not as cool as they once were. I think it was the MRIs that did it.

[bk_forever]

*shudders* Those MRI contraptions are scary!

[spikesgirl58.livejournal.com]

And because it's my lower back, I have to fully encased in the tube. It's very scary, so much so that they had give me something and have the Big Guy on the microphone with me. I don't want to do one of those again any time soon.

[bk_forever]

They wouldn't get me in there without strong drugs! I have trouble with breathing when lying on my back anyway.

Hope you never have to go through that again!

[spikesgirl58.livejournal.com]

Here's hoping, but because it's a progressive disease, the chances are pretty high. I'm just hoping that the technology will improve before I have to do another one.

[bk_forever]

A hand-held scanner like the ones Torchwood has would be so much better. Why does SF have all the good medical tools? Ours may be state-of-the-art but the cause so much stress. I had to have a CT scan a few months ago and while that machine isn't as scary as the ones for MRIs I would up in the ER for three hours because I had a bad reaction to the dye they injected. There have to be better ways.

[spikesgirl58.livejournal.com]

Probably because they just have to think them up without having to actual make them operate in the real world. I want the medical beds in Star Trek.

[bk_forever]

Probably, which is sad for us. Dr McCoy could do so much with just a couple of devices, lol!

I'm watching re-runs of Star Trek every week day, I think I'm on my third run though at the moment. Hadn't seen a single episode in years so I'm enjoying that!

[spikesgirl58.livejournal.com]

The original series or ST:NG? I haven't watched the OS in ages. I don't know of anyone running it these days.

[bk_forever]

The original series; living in Britain does have the occasional perk. As dated as it is, I still love it best. =)

[owensheart.livejournal.com]

What Gray did was the most horrible thing anyone could do to another human being.

Great fic.

[bk_forever]

It was, and made worse by the fact that Jack wasn't going to just die one death, he would die over and over for nearly 2000 years. How was he even sane after that?

Thank you!

[m-findlow.livejournal.com]

Poor Jack suffers so much under the surface that he brushes off for the sake of others.

[bk_forever]

He puts a brave face on everything, but Ianto sees through it.

Thank you!

[raynewton.livejournal.com]

How awful it must have been, and to know his brother did it. Jack must have been very strong to remain sane.Ianto would be a great comfort to him.

[bk_forever]

Jack is remarkable, and he was still not only willing but able to forgive Grey. Such compassion and love despite everything Grey did to him, his team, and his city.

Thank you.

[black59.livejournal.com]

claustrophobia ... it must not be obvious to live! Poor Jack, so he already saw. But he Ianto.

the quiet strength of Ianto.
yes that's right, it describes quite.
Lisa could count on him, the team also for maintenance of the Hub and Jack more than anyone can and can always count on him !!

In fact, they won against the Belgians. Bravo!! these 2 teams behaved perfectly, loayles and worthy, like no other!

[bk_forever]

Yes, Ianto can rely on Ianto for whatever he needs.

Claustrophobia is no fun, and Jack has a very bad case.

Thank you!